More on Aging

Per my last post about going gray, I guess I looked in the mirror yesterday and my long bouncy hair seemed wrong on my wrinkling aging face. Like when an older person with a smooth lifted face has super wrinkly hands. I’m simply not 30. or 40. or even 50 anymore.

And that’s fine. I am who I am.

A naysayer in my head tells me my age is a serious problem, because I’m single. Men want young stunning women, the voice screams. Will I take myself out of the game if I go gray and stop caring so much about the way that I look?

And yet, I haven’t meant anyone while blonde and bouncey, or even…younger, soooooooooo what’s the difference?

Truth is I’ll be 54 in June, and I have absolutely earned every gray hair and wrinkle and laugh line. Might as well embrace them.

Gray Hair

There is probably nothing that I have spent more money on than my hair. Nothing. I get color, highlights, keratin treatments and frequent blow-outs. I have ALWAYS hated the oddly frizzy wavy weirdly uneven mop that the universe gave me.
(Back when I resented EVERYTHING, my ‘bad’ hair was up there with my mother!) And I paid and paid and paid for professionals to make it look different.

This year, I started to really go gray. If I want to keep up with it, I’ll be at the hairdressers every two weeks. Not that that wouldn’t be part of my regular (expensive!) routine anyway, but I haven’t liked the way touch-ups look. They never seem to match the highlights. And I end up with a very unintended ombre looking thing.

So, it’s been 4 weeks, and I am not minding the strange gray coils spreading into my otherwise perfectly coiffed, perfectly highlighted straight hair.

Am I brave enough to do this – to go gray and kinky coarse?

History would tell me otherwise – I have spent one entire lifetime trying to look nothing like nature meant.

But frankly, maintenance and upkeep can truly become consuming. And I don’t have that kind of time.

We’ll see.

Menopause Mouth

I have been out-of-sorts this week and much of it is hormonal, I think. After not getting my period for months, it came back with a giant thud. I am quadrupled over with cramps and feel like a Mac truck parked itself squarely on my gut.

But even worse, I am a raging, uncontrolled lunatic. I’m not myself – my thoughts are angry and wild, and unfortunately, I’ve had the misfortune of vocalizing them. I’ve said quite a few things I wish I could take right back.

So for now, I have tucked myself away in my apartment and am avoiding the phone – the world is temporarily safe..

I hope I still have friends when this lifts!


Within a two day period, three people whom I respect and trust separately told me that I need to use affirmations to move myself forward. They strongly recommmended it and kept sending me reminder text. One sent texts AND the article below.

I have always thought affirmations were hokey and silly and dumb. However, it feels like the ‘universe’ is telling me to give them a shot – with an open mind and heart. Here goes…

I am including the article below – found it helpful.



Our minds accept as truth, the critical statements we tell ourselves, but it can also accept our positive affirmations.

The words we speak and think hold great sway over the kind of life that we create for ourselves. Many people live their lives plagued by negative thoughts and never even realize this. They tell themselves and others that they are doomed to fail, not good enough, or not worthy of love, yet they are amazed when their reality starts reflecting these words. Just as the subconscious mind accepts as truth the critical statements we tell ourselves, however, it is also equipped to instantly accept the veracity of our affirmations.

Affirmations are statements chosen and spoken consciously. Once they enter our realm of consciousness, they also enter our subconscious mind where they have the power to change our lives. The affirmations you create should be specific, not too long, worded positively, formed in complete sentences, and spoken in the present tense as if what you are affirming is already true. It is a good idea to repeat your affirmations daily. You may want to tell yourself that you deserve to be happy or that you are in control of your destiny. Or, you may want to focus on a particular goal, such as attracting new friends. Rather than telling yourself you want to be well-liked, say, “I am well-liked.” Your subconscious mind will pick up on these positive messages, and you will begin to live your life as if what you are affirming already has happened. Soon, your reality will begin to reflect your affirmations. If you find that you are thwarting yourself with negative thinking, try repeating your affirmations several times a day. Write your affirmations down and say them aloud or in your mind. Allow your conviction to grow stronger each time you say your affirmations, and your negativity will be overridden by your motivation and positive thoughts.

Affirmations are a powerful tool for creating our desired reality. We consciously and subconsciously invite opportunity into our lives when we say affirmations. Trust in the power of your affirmations, and you will very quickly create what you have already stated to be true.

More on Teen Dieting

In 2016, the American Academy of Pediatrics released a clinical paper stating that dieting — defined as calorie restriction with the goal of weight loss — is a risk factor for the development of eating disorders and obesity. Citing several large studies of kids and teens, researchers found that dieting was associated with binge eating and a twofold increased risk of becoming overweight, and that dieting was the most important predictor of a developing eating disorder.

Now that Weight Watchers has decided to offer free memberships to teenagers this summer, I wonder how this will effect a new crop of young people.

Sure, parents will need to give consent for their teen to participate in the free Weight Watchers program, but consider that parents may have their own food and body image issues. An estimated 45 million Americans are dieting every year, and about 91 percent of American women report body dissatisfaction. Kids are following in their parents’ footsteps, with about half of teenage girls and a quarter of teenage boys saying they are dissatisfied with their bodies. But a parent’s intention to be helpful, no matter how innocent, could cause harm.

I think most parents are trying to save their kids from unnecessary suffering. Is a Weight Watchers meeting really the best place to help teens take care of their bodies? Or should parents look for a solution that doesn’t start by saying “Your body is a problem”?

Weight Watchers for Teens

On February 7, the weight loss company Weight Watchers announced the launch of a new program this summer that includes free membership for teens ages 13 to 17. And yes, it’s caused backlash. Some warn that young dieting serves an early precursor to eating disorders. Others wish that we could accept everyone, no matter their weight, NOT forcing them to try to be thinner.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I agree with both ideas. I went to Weight Watchers for the first time at 13. After that I went to a diet doctor, a behavior modification specialist, a nutritionist, many therapists and finally, a gastrointerologist and dentist for all the damage my eating disorders did to my stomach and teeth.

No diet or specialist helped. The Twelve Steps finally did, because I had to look at the underlying causes of my sickened eating. Food wasn’t my problem. Food was my solution – it temporarily anesthetized my pain, but I kept shoveling in more, because the relief was only very very brief.

I do remember my misery at Weight Watchers. What was so wrong with me that I had to get publicly weighed? Particularly at a time when I could not stop eating compulsively, no matter how hard I tried. Each week, the scale would swing up, and I could see the disappointment on the face of my mom, who waited expectantly behind me. She excelled at Weight Watchers, and garnered great applause each week from the ladies around us.

It wasn’t fun and it didn’t nothing for my self-esteem.

As always I wonder, what would have happened to me if it had been okay to be chubby?

Clothes for the Average-Sized Woman

Yesterday, I went shopping with my niece, who wears plus-sized clothing. We went to Lane Bryant, which is really expensive for us, because that’s where she can find nice clothes for work. There aren’t a lot of places for my niece to find good, inexpensive clothing for all aspects of her life. I can go into pretty much any clothing store and find something wearable and affordable (even if it’s just on the clearance rack.) My niece absolutely can’t.

This is strange to me, as the average American woman is now between a size 16 and 18. It makes no sense that most clothing aren’t targeted to this market. Where, I wonder, does the average woman have to shop? In my experience, most clothes in all stores from Target to Bloomingdales are geared to women my size. There’s usually one small section set aside for – well, the average woman.

Does that make any sense to you?

Eat, Eat, Eat and be Thin

I know I complain about this regularly, but – did you read my last post? The hatred of fat is everywhere. Fat people face humiliation each and every day, everywhere we go. (I’m not currently fat, but I react like a once and formerly fat woman.)

But with all the fat phobia, why is the world a food temptation? The Food Network cooks all day, telling us to cook and EAT and eat and eat. We embrace Thanksgiving, Christmas and, most recently, the Super Bowl face-stuffing. Everything revolves around food – let’s be honest.

Yet, it’s all well and good to eat and eat and eat, but don’t we dare get fat!!!! Then we’re pariahs.

For most of my life, this confused the hell out of me – a woman who is as far from naturally thin as I am to the moon.

Still does

Fat Shame

This just hurts and disturbs me. What do we have against larger women?

PIX-11 reports male students pledging to become members of the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity chapter at Cornell were encouraged to have sex with as many females as possible, earning points based on the weight of their sexual conquests. In the case of a tie, the winner would be whichever pledge had sex with the heaviest women — giving the game its fat-shaming name of “Pig Roast.

Yes, cruel and unusual. But also – why?

Being Ourselves

Years ago, someone referred to my mother as eccentric, and I didn’t like it. I knew she’d hate the comment. Was she eccentric – I don’t really know. She was my mom.

However, it occurs that, regardless of my late mother’s status, I am pretty eccentric, myself. I just caught a glimpse of myself at work, with my hair sticking straight up and my clothes covered in cat hair. No matter how many lint brushes I use, I am ALWAYS covered in Rebecca’s long white hairs.

So, a 53 year old cat lady who lives alone, in an apartment over her brother’s garage…You get the picture.

All my life, I’ve been so tough on myself – why couldn’t I be normal? prettier? happier? thinner? nicer? more successful? And why on earth couldn’t I be more like everyone else?

I thoroughly convinced myself that, quite simply, I sucked.

I tried not to ‘suck’. I pretended. But it was (literally) like trying to fit a size 18 into very skinny size 2 jeans. It just didn’t work and it just didn’t fit.

I have made a commitment to myself to let myself be myself and to just let myself be. I am who I am, cat-covered clothes and all.