Eat, Eat, Eat and be Thin

I know I complain about this regularly, but – did you read my last post? The hatred of fat is everywhere. Fat people face humiliation each and every day, everywhere we go. (I’m not currently fat, but I react like a once and formerly fat woman.)

But with all the fat phobia, why is the world a food temptation? The Food Network cooks all day, telling us to cook and EAT and eat and eat. We embrace Thanksgiving, Christmas and, most recently, the Super Bowl face-stuffing. Everything revolves around food – let’s be honest.

Yet, it’s all well and good to eat and eat and eat, but don’t we dare get fat!!!! Then we’re pariahs.

For most of my life, this confused the hell out of me – a woman who is as far from naturally thin as I am to the moon.

Still does

Fat Shame

This just hurts and disturbs me. What do we have against larger women?

PIX-11 reports male students pledging to become members of the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity chapter at Cornell were encouraged to have sex with as many females as possible, earning points based on the weight of their sexual conquests. In the case of a tie, the winner would be whichever pledge had sex with the heaviest women — giving the game its fat-shaming name of “Pig Roast.

Yes, cruel and unusual. But also – why?

Being Ourselves

Years ago, someone referred to my mother as eccentric, and I didn’t like it. I knew she’d hate the comment. Was she eccentric – I don’t really know. She was my mom.

However, it occurs that, regardless of my late mother’s status, I am pretty eccentric, myself. I just caught a glimpse of myself at work, with my hair sticking straight up and my clothes covered in cat hair. No matter how many lint brushes I use, I am ALWAYS covered in Rebecca’s long white hairs.

So, a 53 year old cat lady who lives alone, in an apartment over her brother’s garage…You get the picture.

All my life, I’ve been so tough on myself – why couldn’t I be normal? prettier? happier? thinner? nicer? more successful? And why on earth couldn’t I be more like everyone else?

I thoroughly convinced myself that, quite simply, I sucked.

I tried not to ‘suck’. I pretended. But it was (literally) like trying to fit a size 18 into very skinny size 2 jeans. It just didn’t work and it just didn’t fit.

I have made a commitment to myself to let myself be myself and to just let myself be. I am who I am, cat-covered clothes and all.

Eating When Not Hungry

As part of keeping a clean relationship with food, I try my best only to eat when I’m actually hungry. Almost always, that’s possible.

I’m sure this can be a little off-putting. Friends will ask if I want to grab a bite to eat, and I’ll say I’ll have coffee, but that’s it. Because I’m not hungry. Happens often enough. If anyone’s bothered, I figure that’s their problem – who cares what I eat? Or don’t. I’m there for the friendship.

However, dating is a whole different issue. You don’t want the guy to think you’re a weirdo, right off the bat. So, this morning, for the first time in years and years and years, I ate breakfast.

I don’t eat breakfast, because I never wake up hungry. I hate the morning, drink too much coffee and grunt until about noon. I’m ever in the mood for food until at least 11 am and even later on the weekends.

But this morning, a new friend met me at the DMV at 7;30 am to renew or licenses. And then of course, he wanted breakfast.

Grunt. I can’t tell you how many days I spent wondering if I could just get coffee without making a scene. And for a few days, that was my plan. I even considered (okay, I know I’m not completely well) telling him that I had a stomach ache, so I’d only have to get tea. (Not my beloved coffee, since I’d allegedly have a bad belly.)

But, after meeting him this morning, I changed my mind. We laughed our way through the DMV (a mob scene first thing on a Saturday morning), and it was actually fun.

When we got to the diner, I really and truly didn’t want him to think I was a weirdo, uptight and difficult, And so, I ordered and ate food.

Turned out fine. I won’t continue eating when I’m not hungry – not good for my head. But it’s good to know I can do it uneventfully.

Addendum: If you do think that my approach to eating is weird and restrictive and still disordered in some way, know how very, very sick I was. My current habits keep me happy and healthy and properly nourished.