The New Normal; In the Belly of the Beast

The truth about the scale in my house – if I’m not vigilant, it goes up. Doesn’t matter if I’m running around like crazy all night when once I sat sedentary; doesn’t matter if the extra food I’m eating comes in the form of dry salad – when I eat more than before, I gain weight.

Since I started my new job three weeks ago, I’ve gained five solid pounds and the scale continues to creep up.

My reaction, frankly, is mixed.

On the one hand, I’m so busy and working a lot of hours and getting home in the middle of the night – who has time to watch with the eye of an eagle? On the job, I’m surrounded by easily accessible, yummy food all the time, and it’s kind of fun to indulge. I’ve been sooo vigilant for so long, it feels kind of playful to eat french fries just because the chef knows I love them and made them especially for me. And even though I’m not really hungry, it feels inclusive and familial to join in the family meal (and seriously, I just have a little soup and salad, but still, my scale has the trots.) And to come home late at night, exhausted, and to allow myself a small snack with late night TV – relaxing. (On a different note, I can’t tell you how I resented missing Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers all the years I toiled by day. THIS is living.)

On the other hand, I miss the comfort of my old eating habits – so solid and safe. I never worried about weight gain or portions size or should I have this or that….It was completely easy not to have choice. Didn’t worry about food. Didn’t worry about my weight. It gave me a lot of freedom to just live real life. Too much thinking about food and weight gain can become too consuming.

Yet, most people I know don’t gain so much weight so quickly just by adding an extra soup and salad or two. I know my body, by nature, simply weighs more. If I’d never had anorexia or bulimia, if I weren’t a lifelong compulsive eater; if I’d learned early how to feed my body as IT wanted, I doubt I’d be any kind of sylph.

I haven’t made a decision about this dilemma. I suspect I’m having too much fun right now, delighting in food and ‘freedom’. But I also suspect that I’ll need to get back to my old ‘weighs’ – eating safe foods and only when hungry. That just feels more free, in the long run. Or so I suspect.

Well see. For now, time to head to work. And then – woo hoo- two days off in a row. I’m still so happy – and that’s good enough for now.

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