Sadness

Sadness seems like a hard one for many people. It’s really painful. Many people seem able to handle anger. I can get mad and resentful and self-pitying and frustrated – all very easily. And almost happily, in my case. Self-righteous could have been my middle name, back in the day.

But sad hurts. And sometimes there’s just really nothing to be done about it. It’s human and real to be blue when life brings..sadness. I can’t wish it or will it away. I have to accept it and, in my case, without trying to push it away with substance. It never worked anyway – I’d just end up grossly full or hungover and still sad.

By trying to obliterate it, it just gets pushed further and festers. I find that through accepting the pain, I can begin to heal. But I have to take the first brave step -let myself experience the pain.

Three Funerals and a Wedding

Three funerals and a wedding. All in one week.

Life can be pretty unpredictable. So can death.

I am beyond thrilled for the joy of the wedding – good friends who got engaged on Christmas and married yesterday. Loved the radiant middle-aged bride in jeans, carrying a giant bouquet and wearing a huge grin.

I am deeply saddened by the losses. But truly glad that I’ve learned to experience pain. Back in the day, pain lead straight to bingeing – food, alcohol, drugs. At my mother’s memorial, I got so drunk that even the other drunk people were worried.

Today, I can be sad. Nothing from the outside (food, drugs, booze, shopping….) is going to make it better anyway. And in the long run, only worse.

I can also be present for the daughters, parents, grandparents and friends who have suffered these three losses. I’m not drunk at the wake or bingeing during the shivva call.

One of the women who died helped me create this blog. She sat with me as I designed it and encouraged me to write. I’d call her with thoughts and questions and she’d offer much better ideas than I had. She was a true friend. I will miss her terribly. But will remember her every time I post.

Rest in peace, Abbey.

The Intrigue/Danger of Weight Loss

I recently wrote about the time in my 20s when I lost a lot of weight after dealing with mono, tonsillitis, strep throat and wisdom tooth extraction – all in succession. The weight loss earned rave reviews, from friends, relatives, strangers and especially men.

I began to believe that staying thin was everything. Quickly, it became all I cared about and valued – my primary purpose. And I absolutely went to any lengths to keep the weight off, with disastrous consequences to me and my health.

Recently, with tonsillitis and flu, eating hurt and made me nauseous. I know I’ve lost some weight – can tell in my clothes. And yes, the thought does come to mind, “ah, isn’t this nice. How can I maintain it?”

I know exactly how I could maintain it – living on tea and chicken broth and ice cubes.

Looks like I’ll be gaining the weight back!!!!! 🙂

To Taste

It took a few days for taste to come back. I dearly missed things like the first delicious sip of morning coffee. Instead, it seemed like bitter, burning water. One night, I went out with friends and ordered my favorite rare prime rib, which resembled slightly flavored rubber.

After the first day when I ate too much (see last post), in hopes of tasting something, I gave up and just ate my regular portions of nourishing food. Still, it was surprisingly disappointing. I truly had no idea how much flavors factored into my eating.

Now that I can taste again, I am way more appreciative of how nice it is to enjoy food. As I said in my last post, I didn’t realize how much it meant to me – I thought I ate only for fuel and nourishment. Of course, I knew I didn’t chose foods I don’t like – liver, fishy fishy, smelly cheese – but I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed foods that I do.

Nice to know. Uhm, maybe I’m more normal than I thought? lol