Why does someone become anorexic, I’m not sure – there are various schools of thought. However, I wonder if I would have become anorexic (and later bulimic) if it were okay to be fat?
I know for sure that I was born a compulsive eater. I over-ate from the day I arrived. Once I put food in me, I wanted MORE. Eating became my answer to everything – fear, sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion….. It didn’t matter – I ate. Compulsively.
As a kid, I grew quickly and tall. Each time I’d get chubby, I’d spring up several inches and look somewhat slim again. Until I stopped growing. And life got really sucky and I ate even more. I got fat.
I became the fat awkward kid who got teased at school. No boys wanted to date me, and boy did I want to date boys. My family, so focused on appearance, wanted me thin. My family also wanted me to be happy and believed a woman, in our society, can’t be fat and happy and truly accepted
But what if fat hadn’t been bad? What if I was excepted at school, asked out on dates, and encouraged at home? Would I have stopped eating and gotten so sick?
We’ll never know, because I hated being teased, wanted to date and was told to diet at home.
Of course, once I stopped eating and started losing, the compliments stormed down upon me. What if they hadn’t? What if no one had cared either way? Would I have still believed it was absolutely paramount to get and to stay so thin, no matter the consequences?
Again, we’ll never know. But I do wonder