the Good Stuff

Generally, I like to complain about stuff on this blog. I started a post about the porn industry. A young porn star, August Ames, just took her own life at the age of 23. According to her husband and her friends, she’d been suffering severe depression for a long time.. Ms. Ames had starred in over 170 films in the last 4 years. That’s a lot of…porn.

My take on the porn industry is that it holds so much sadness and pain. Granted, I don’t know a heck of a lot about it… (Still, I don’t understand the appeal.)

BUT, I decided not to rant on this particular post (well, at least not too much.) Because everything truly is fine in my life.

I think if most of us stop and really look at the truth of our lives – most of it really is fine. Of course, some are suffering deep deep pain and sadness, but at this moment, I’m not.

I look at the loss of August Ames – a beautiful young woman. Her experience of life was not fine at all. Imagine being in such excruciating pain in your 20s that you would choose to take your own life? I was absolutely miserable at 23 – a compulsive eater, bulimic, anorexic and budding alcoholic and drug addict. I hated my job, had miserable relationships and carried a truly scary amount of debt. but it never occurred to me to kill myself. I still had hope.

And I was right to hope. I found a way out from under all the addiction and now get to live a free and good life.. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could live life not chained to food. It’s miraculous.

A job, friends, family and always, hope……..What more could a middle aged cat lady hope for?

It’s a good question to asks ourselves – what’s good in my life? What do I take for granted that other people don’t have? How lucky am I?

Food Pushing

Cranky post alert! Is it too cranky? Here goes:

How often, each day, do I turn down food? Why is it so hard for some folks to hear ‘no’ and actually accept it? Do they think I’m secretly famished and just playing coy?

Generally, I do believe most people mean well. To most normal peeps, food IS love. It’s in our DNA to feed and nourish – our families and friends and those in need. Sharing the gift of a meal is an absolutely beautiful thing.

I also believe that some people push food in a disordered way. I know women with their own issues who are always offering, offering, offering. That’s like me when I was anorexic – wanting everyone else to eat what I didn’t ever allow myself. A friend of mine goes to a restaurant, takes one bite and tries to give the rest of her order to everyone else.

But whatever the reason, if I say ‘no’, it means I’m not hungry or don’t want to eat or, even, am not interested in what you are offering. It means, for example, that I don’t want your Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, lunch leftovers, if I’ve already declined them 3 or 4 times. Sometimes, I wondering if people are listening – I said “no thank you, but thank you” sooo many times.

I’m not trying to offend or hurt any feelings, and I really, really don’t want to be rude. I’m probably just not hungry.

I like when people respect that.

Forgive me if I sound cranky, but sometimes it gets tiring being gracious.

Hoping not to Offend…

To everyone reading;

Here on this blog, I aim to write the truth, as it occurs to me. Sometimes, I’m sure, I offend or trouble or disappoint. And sometimes, I think to censor myself or hold back, but I choose not too, because it’s really just my point of view.

I worried with my last post that my contemplation of weight loss might work against the efforts of someone trying to allow her body to be. Were my words a betrayal? Did they seem to contradict my own efforts to be comfortable with my body wherever it landed naturally?

Still, it’s where I’m at at this moment with my body, mind and spirit.

I’m pretty sure my desire to be smaller again is about physical comfort. I don’t think I looked bad with more weight – no one seemed to notice when I went up or down. But I really felt uncomfortable with extra stomach and bigger boobs and so decided to see what eating less looked like. If I were hungry and felt deprived, I would have added food back in. But I wasn’t.

If my words do bother anyone, I am always interested to hear! I hope to be helpful and real. And I am ALWAYS open to critique.

Thank you,