I haven’t written in a couple of days – so much going on. An intense time – we all have them.

It’s been hard to focus – typical of me, but multiplied galore. I’ve found I don’t want to read (!!!) and my thoughts seem clogged.

But, but, but – no desire to overeat. No desire to use any substance to make me feel better.

I know that nothing from the outside will make me feel better on the inside.

And that, quite simply, is because of the 12 Steps. Seeing the truth and changing.

I told a sponsee, who might be reading this, not to talk about being abstinent from certain foods. That sounds like deprivation. Instead of saying, I was abstinent today, why not say, I was honest today

Honest about the truth about me and food – by nature, I don’t see food as fuel, I see it as relief. Food was my primary ‘relationship’ for most of my life. I ate when I was lonely, tired, scared and sad. I ate when I was happy, celebrating and perfectly fine. Food was more than food. It was everything.

Now, because of the Steps, food is food and I face life.

But life is not always easy or comfortable or joyous or anything like I want. But I still have to face it and deal.

And that’s what I’ve been doing. And ya know what, my answers are coming – none of them easy. But they’re the answers. Time to take action.

Crazy, Like Me

I know I am getting my period when I give the finger to any and all fellow drivers. I simply become a crazy and maniacal woman.

Here are just some of things I have done while under the duress of PMS;

quit my job

broken up with my boyfriend

stormed out of a hair salon

thrown books at the wall, wishing it were human

and so on…

I spend my post-period time making amends. It’s exhausting. If I have PMS and it’s a weekend, I try to keep myself hidden from humanity – my innocent victims.

Is anyone else as off-the-charts whacko as I am while hormonal?

It would really be comforting to know if you are.

P.S. to my sister if you’re reading – my fortune cookie says, ‘it is most gratifying when a goal is achieved through one’s efforts.’

Huh, what does that mean? 🙂

Stress and Food

I know I’ve mentioned that this hasn’t been my favorite month. I am dealing with stressful stuff on multiple fronts.

However, I’m still amazed (and always will be) that none of this makes me want to eat. It doesn’t occur to me. Quite the opposite, actually, (which totally astounds me) I have no real desire to eat at all. Because I am troubled!!! That’s so wild. Me, a woman, who couldn’t STOP eat for decades…!!!

Today, I found myself having to force down crackers, because i knew I had to eat, BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO. I was telling this to my best friend from childhood, Frank, and he – a 100 % normal eater – feels exactly the same way when he is stressed!!!!

Now, I will never, ever, ever call myself a normal eater – I’m not that crazy However, because of the 12 Steps, I know the truth about food and me — it’s got to be fuel and nothing else.

I am also amazed that even though I’m struggling, I’m still okay. I realize I’ll get through it. AND I KNOW THAT I HAVE IT BETTER THAN SO MANY PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH. Most people would dream to have just my problems.

I love this one – if I had to put all the problems in the world into a bowl, wouldn’t I pray to pull mine out. Yes, indeed!!!!

I have dear friends who are very ill. I have dear friends who have lost those closest to them. There are women on this planet who aren’t allowed to show their ankles.

I’ll take my problem please, and hold the hot fudge.

Lose Weight, Look ‘Great’?

I got the “have you lost weight, because you look great” comment yesterday. I promptly went into a tailspin for many long minutes.

Have I lost weight? I don’t weigh myself, but I have been wildly busy with less time to eat. I’ve also been kind of stressed and my stomach is on the fritz.

Chances are, I probably have.

Next, I moved onto ‘wow, I didn’t realize my weight gain was so noticeable.’ And the ‘have I been looking fat and awful?’ crap. The old dialogue took over my brain – Must I desperately cling to any new weight loss? Do I need to lose more…?

That shit dies hard!!!!!!

Then, I wondered how to respond? Was it ACTUALLY a compliment – I know, of course, that it was meant as one. Is weight loss from stress actually good? Is it really best to weigh less than is natural for a 53 year old body?

Soo, I stood there for a few minutes, staring at the woman who made the comment. I’m sure she wondered what was wrong with me.

Finally, I smiled and waved and walked away. I didn’t know what else to do.

Weight Watching

Confessional – this is embarrassing.

Yes, I notice when people gain and lose weight, and I wonder why. Is the weight loss intentional? Do they have an eating disorder? Why did they gain weight – are there emotional reasons, is their natural set point higher, do they care? In particular, I notice weight fluctuations in female celebrities, because being thin seems to be an integral part of being an actress. (Here’s looking at the whole cast of Ally McBeal.)

This is an embarrassing example of what I notice;

The TV show Will & Grace is coming back after at least a decade. In honor of this, one of my local stations is running episodes of the original series.

Last night, I watched one of the very first episodes and noticed that Debra Messing looked to be a pretty normal slim weight. In later (but still early) episodes, she got super super skinny, to the point that I wondered if she were anorexic. She became a bit of a fashion icon and showed up in the pages of Vogue. What, I wondered, was behind the weight loss. Was she hungry? starving? stressed? Did the network pressure her to lose weight?

During the run of the original show, Messing got pregnant, had a very difficult pregnancy, and gained a lot of weight. (I remember her weight gain became the butt of Joan Rivers’ jokes. Horrible.)

When super-skinny women, like supermodels, gain tons of weight when pregnant, I make the (completely unfounded, of course) assumption that they have been starving themselves for so long, that they use pregnancy as an opportunity to eat everything they’ve denied themselves.

Naturally, me being me, I made this assumption about Debra Messing. And then after she had the baby, she never got terribly thin again.

While I know all this time and energy spent wondering about the impetus behind celebrity weight fluctuation is ridiculous, I have to admit, I do wonder.