‘Gaining’ Body Confidence

How did I get this new body confidence? Even I’m wondering – it’s so new. And SO precious.

For years and years, I read about women who carried some weight, and did so with ease and peace. Even when I lived in the throes of anorexia and bulimia and my exclusive goal was to stay skinny, I studied and revered plus-sized models – women who were proud of their bodies, even with weight. THEY were my heroes, NOT the Gisele’s. But still, I clung to the shrine of ‘thin’.

Today, I’m 40 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. Meanwhile, all the women around me are losing weight – two women at my job have dropped about thirty pounds each. And a third co-worker just started a new diet. There are four women at work, including me. That means I am the only one gaining weight (or just staying the same? who knows?)

And, all the women I am sponsoring in OA are getting much smaller, and they’re enjoying that.

Not me!

Initially it was difficult to find my own ‘weigh’ as others continued to lose. But I have to stay strong. What’s right for someone else isn’t right for me.

I was never naturally thin and never meant to be. Being thin meant staaaarving or at least eating as little as possible. Even when I was just a pretty normal weight, everyone commented on how little I ate. Now, I feel more…normal. And I’m not looking back.

Not getting sucked into the diet vortex, not comparing my body to everyone else’s, not yelling at myself for not losing weight…Wow. It feels really courageous..

I recently found my 9th grade diary. After each entry, I recorded my weight and commentary. Most of it read, “FAT PIG”. Heartbreaking.

I will never talk to myself like that again. No matter what I weigh.

Body Con. Woo Hoo.

It’s really an end of a five decade era, where life revolved around what I weighed. I can’t believe I don’t care anymore.

I want to stand on a roof top and yell it to the world, I’M FINE JUST THE WAY I AM. (And – if I can do this, anyone can. So, if you happen to be obsessing with the size of your body, I assure you, it’s completely possible to be free.)

This past weekend, I hung out with a guy who is smaller and thinner than I am. In the past, this would have really bothered me. But not now! My body happens to be where it’s supposed to be, thank you very much. No comparisons necessary.

The guy also seemed to be watching his weight. He mentioned that he rides his bike miles and miles every day so he can eat what he wants. I thought to myself – ‘don’t you ride your bike because you enjoy riding your bike?’

What a strange world, if you think about it – exercising so we can eat more? What’s so exciting about getting to eat a lot?

There was a time when I fully believed that I was my eating disorder. It owned me, ruled me, possessed and drove every decision I made.

Not anymore baby! I’m pinching myself. Is this really me? Let freedom ring!!!!!!

The Joy of Shopping Chubby

I finally bought some new clothes in my new fluffier size (I like ‘fluffy’. Makes me think of my kitty.)

This was a different shopping experience for me. I did not chastise myself for needing larger clothing. I did not stare at my belly or hips or thighs. I did not evaluate one single body part!!!! Woo hoo – freedom!

AND, I tried on bathing suits and found two that looked very nice. (I did not turn around and obsess about cellulite.) I bought them both.

If you have never shopped like this,criticism free, I highly recommend it. It’s a pleasure. Who knew?