‘Gaining’ Body Confidence

How did I get this new body confidence? Even I’m wondering – it’s so new. And SO precious.

For years and years, I read about women who carried some weight, and did so with ease and peace. Even when I lived in the throes of anorexia and bulimia and my exclusive goal was to stay skinny, I studied and revered plus-sized models – women who were proud of their bodies, even with weight. THEY were my heroes, NOT the Gisele’s. But still, I clung to the shrine of ‘thin’.

Today, I’m 40 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. Meanwhile, all the women around me are losing weight – two women at my job have dropped about thirty pounds each. And a third co-worker just started a new diet. There are four women at work, including me. That means I am the only one gaining weight (or just staying the same? who knows?)

And, all the women I am sponsoring in OA are getting much smaller, and they’re enjoying that.

Not me!

Initially it was difficult to find my own ‘weigh’ as others continued to lose. But I have to stay strong. What’s right for someone else isn’t right for me.

I was never naturally thin and never meant to be. Being thin meant staaaarving or at least eating as little as possible. Even when I was just a pretty normal weight, everyone commented on how little I ate. Now, I feel more…normal. And I’m not looking back.

Not getting sucked into the diet vortex, not comparing my body to everyone else’s, not yelling at myself for not losing weight…Wow. It feels really courageous..

I recently found my 9th grade diary. After each entry, I recorded my weight and commentary. Most of it read, “FAT PIG”. Heartbreaking.

I will never talk to myself like that again. No matter what I weigh.

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