Still Seething

Remember that thing I was seething about last week, that I said I’d faced and gotten rid? Well, guess what – I kept seething. And my attitude continued to suck. But I’m not entitled to a rotten attitude. Why should anyone have to deal with me and my nastiness?

And so,clearly , I must do more – be more appreciative of everything I have, put my best self forward and show up with grace, which I definitely had not been doing.

I have to remember I can’t change other people. Period. All I can change is ME, my actions and reactions.

Sometimes I still grit my teeth and bear things. I tell myself that I will be happy one day – with the perfect man, the perfect career, the perfect credit rating…It’s time for me to realize that I can be happy NOW! And I can behave better – starting right NOW.

There’s a salesperson, Jay, in my office who is one of the nicest, friendliest guys I’ve ever met. Everyone loves him. Being around him makes us all feel better. (AND he is a top salesperson. Customers adore him.) I want to be more like him, even if it doesn’t come naturally. Jay seems to have born a delightful spirit. I wasn’t, but that’s no excuse. When people interact with me, I want them to experience what we all enjoy when dealing with Jay.

And besides., the nicer and friendlier I am to others, the more chance that they might be just that much nicer and friendlier back to me – no guarantees, but it doesn’t hurt to try!

And so, everyone (me too!) benefits from me having a better attitude.

I am making a bit of a game of this. Every time negativity or annoyance comes up, I remember Jay and smile. And try mightily to do better than my instincts would have me.

Happy!

I had a very odd experience this weekend. I suddenly realized that I was really and truly happy. The weekend included the perfect mix of time out, time in, fun, intellectual stimulation, productivity and rest. And there was even figure skating on tv!!! Saturday night, I went to bed beaming.

‘Happy’ is not my usual state. After a lifetime of depression, anxiety, and addiction, I’ve gotten to a place where I’m just fine. I know I am very, very lucky and have a good life. I have family, friends and purpose, which is wonderful.

But happy – not so much. I have good experiences and good times, but to say that my general state is joyous would be a lie.

So here I was Saturday night – the most consistently happy I have ever been. I felt it flowing through me. And I stayed present – I didn’t worry about the next day or the next week or anything.

It was so cool. Fifty-two years old and for the first, knowing true happiness.

Of course, I’m not worried that I will become a happy fool. Menopause hormones are raging today. Grrrrrr 🙂

My Shameful Thinking

Sometimes when I blog, I feel I’m confessing. I admit, I worry what you the reader, think, about some of my confessions. It’s not the stuff I’ve done that worries me – absolutely not – I have no problem admitting what I am, an addict, and what I’ve done, some pretty rotten crap. What embarrasses me sometimes is my thinking – like in the last post and this one. They’re related I find this post shameful.

I worked with my young friend, Ashley, at a previous job. When I first met her, she was 18, with that teenager’s ability to eat (and drink) anything and everything and stay really thin. Ashley is very pretty, very talented and very dear. There wasn’t a guy at the job who didn’t have a secret or not so secret crush on her. I have never met the person who didn’t like her. I’ve never heard one bad word said against. And, she’s really really good at her job.

Over the years, Ashley began putting on weight. The skinny kid got a little chubby. In MY opinion, some of the tiny outfits that worked when she was small looked a little “wrong” on her newer body.

I saw her again the other day, and she looked bigger and, I thought, matronly.

(I am still deciding whether I am going to publish this horrible post. BUT I do think it’s important to look at our thinking. AND TO CHANGE. So, I continue)

While working with her and watching her gain weight over the year, I kept thinking, should I tell her that you can’t keep eating the way you used and stay thin? Did I need to explain that grown women don’t eat grilled cheese with cheese fries on a regular basis, if they want to be thin? (That’s assuming, right, that she wants to be thin?) Should I educate her that at a certain age, you can’t eat and drink like your boyfriend? (Her boyfriend, the terrific guy that she dates who worships her, as he should.) And wouldn’t it be helpful to point out to her that her mother is very heavy, and it’s likely she will be too if she doesn’t change her habits now, at 26?

Having grossed myself out with my thinking in the last paragraph, I have to ask myself – what’s going on with me? First of all, why do I think this is my business? AND, why do I assume she even cares? Her life is terrific – with a growing career that she truly loves, a wonderful boyfriend, great friends and an incredibly loving family.

What do I thinking I’m protecting her from with all my “sage” advice? Apparently, I still think a woman is only happy when she’s thin. Clearly, I think she’s going to have a better life? I also noticed some fear in there that her boyfriend might become less enchanted now that she’s heavier, so I’m judging him AND also presuming to know his taste in women.

YUCK, YUCK, YUCK!

The horrific-est part of all of this, is that no one screams more loudly than I that we are so damaging and oppressing our young women with the tyranny of thinness and we must stop.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I am changing this shit right now!

Still deciding whether or not to post this. But I’m going to. Would love some feedback.