My Shameful Thinking

Sometimes when I blog, I feel I’m confessing. I admit, I worry what you the reader, think, about some of my confessions. It’s not the stuff I’ve done that worries me – absolutely not – I have no problem admitting what I am, an addict, and what I’ve done, some pretty rotten crap. What embarrasses me sometimes is my thinking – like in the last post and this one. They’re related I find this post shameful.

I worked with my young friend, Ashley, at a previous job. When I first met her, she was 18, with that teenager’s ability to eat (and drink) anything and everything and stay really thin. Ashley is very pretty, very talented and very dear. There wasn’t a guy at the job who didn’t have a secret or not so secret crush on her. I have never met the person who didn’t like her. I’ve never heard one bad word said against. And, she’s really really good at her job.

Over the years, Ashley began putting on weight. The skinny kid got a little chubby. In MY opinion, some of the tiny outfits that worked when she was small looked a little “wrong” on her newer body.

I saw her again the other day, and she looked bigger and, I thought, matronly.

(I am still deciding whether I am going to publish this horrible post. BUT I do think it’s important to look at our thinking. AND TO CHANGE. So, I continue)

While working with her and watching her gain weight over the year, I kept thinking, should I tell her that you can’t keep eating the way you used and stay thin? Did I need to explain that grown women don’t eat grilled cheese with cheese fries on a regular basis, if they want to be thin? (That’s assuming, right, that she wants to be thin?) Should I educate her that at a certain age, you can’t eat and drink like your boyfriend? (Her boyfriend, the terrific guy that she dates who worships her, as he should.) And wouldn’t it be helpful to point out to her that her mother is very heavy, and it’s likely she will be too if she doesn’t change her habits now, at 26?

Having grossed myself out with my thinking in the last paragraph, I have to ask myself – what’s going on with me? First of all, why do I think this is my business? AND, why do I assume she even cares? Her life is terrific – with a growing career that she truly loves, a wonderful boyfriend, great friends and an incredibly loving family.

What do I thinking I’m protecting her from with all my “sage” advice? Apparently, I still think a woman is only happy when she’s thin. Clearly, I think she’s going to have a better life? I also noticed some fear in there that her boyfriend might become less enchanted now that she’s heavier, so I’m judging him AND also presuming to know his taste in women.


The horrific-est part of all of this, is that no one screams more loudly than I that we are so damaging and oppressing our young women with the tyranny of thinness and we must stop.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I am changing this shit right now!

Still deciding whether or not to post this. But I’m going to. Would love some feedback.

9 thoughts on “My Shameful Thinking

  1. I’m your twin. Only Ashley is my own daughter. How’s that for shameful thinking? I’m a horrible person. The worst! I’m obsessed with her weight and want to “help”. I’m not as brave as you to share what I’m really thinking. A coward. I need to work with my therapist and get my head on straight. I’m flawed and embarrassed.


    1. J-Dub; Thank you for writing! Pretty brave, I think. I don’t have kids and was always worried about how, I a compulsive eater/anorexic/bulimic would raise a daughter. It’s daunting.

      So, you think you’ve made mistakes? The one thing I do know is that the past is the past. What we can do is do better right now. You can change your thinking and your approach. How old is your daughter?


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