I have a cold with a runny nose and a stuffy head,achy bones and tired body. Just home from work, I’m going to have hot soup with crackers, hot tea with lemon and a hot bath with bubbles. Then I’m off to bed.
This is not how I would have treated myself, when sick, back in the days of the eating order,
I remember suffering a raging stomach flu when I was anorexic. I also remember eating mass quantities of raw vegetables, because that’s all I ate. And I so looked forward to those veggies. It didn’t matter that my stomach revolted. Trust me, raw broccoli is of no help to a stomach virus. But eat it I did. In mass quantities.
When I was bulimic and had a root canal, I still made myself throw up all night. That’s what I did, no matter what. I binged until i couldn’t move, and then purged until I felt empty – root canal or no root canal.
What a miracle, and I don’t take it lightly, that I can take normal, nice care of myself.. I never thought it would be possible and easy. But it is.
Last night, I had dinner with family and friends. It was a lovely meal, however, after dinner many complained that they had eaten way too much and were way too full. Others chimed in that they “hadn’t stopped eating” since Thanksgiving and felt gross. With January 1, they were turning over healthy new leaves.
This is never my experience anymore. I never over-eat, because it’s not worth it. Having spent most of my life thinking obsessively and exclusively about food, I treasure the joy of being free of it. Once, I lived with constant guilt shame and remorse because of the amounts I consumed. I don’t have that now, because I don’t care to eat more than my body wants and needs.
In this way, I know peace. And food has no influence over me. It’s just food – nourishment and fuel that, hopefully, tastes good.
I don’t get excited about food – it holds no special pull. Yes, I enjoy a tasty meal, but I focus more on the company, the surroundings and any other joy I can take from the evening.
Many people love food and make it a big part of their lives, and good for them. But that’s not a luxury I can afford. The less I focus on eating, the better it is for me.
Other people have other ways of making right their relationship with food. This is what works for me.
I am having a colonoscopy tomorrow. Oh, what that used to do to me. Colonoscopy prep involves a day of fasting and a night of consuming mass quantities of laxatives – equal opportunities for all eating disorders! The anorexic can fast, the bulimic can shit her brains out and the next day, the compulsive eater can binge, because she earned it!
And the promise of weight loss from laxative induced diarrhea. Oh boy, I seriously looked forward to the prep!!!! Gross.
Today’s it’s just an inconvenience. I have a lot of things I’d rather be doing tonight than sitting home pooping. And I’m off from work tomorrow, which means Monday will be a bear of a work day.